10 things that baffle me September 9, 2009
Posted by anniewilson in Uncategorized.Tags: baffling things, coffee, confusing thoughts, cuppa, funny stuff, how do you know if a cookie is bad?, humor, i'll take that dollar sir, liars, lists, mark colletti, men, penny candy, perez hilton, remote control, rotten husbands, sex, single men, women
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1. Why does my remote only work when I point it up and AWAY from the TV?
2. Why do so many men think ALL women are stupid? Even if stupid women outnumbered not stupid women 100 to 1, you’d think a dude would worry that he MIGHT run into that one not stupid chick.
3. Why does my coffee pot turn itself off after 2 hours? Sometimes I’d like a cup-o-sludge if I get really, really tired.
4. I stick my feet in dark, moist places for hours a day, walk on them and clean them with a rock…yet the skin on them is as taught as it was in 1974. BUT…I’m developing jowls on my face.
5. I could have bought a bunch of penny candy in 64 and sold it today for a huge profit. How would you know if one of those wax pop bottles went bad? I don’t think those dots on paper go bad either. I would think the dots would out live the actual paper to which they are stuck.
6. Why do soft cookies turn hard when they go bad while hard cookies turn soft?
7. Why in THEEEEEEE WORLD do my neighbors find me so MUCH fun to gossip about?
8. Where does a really good blow job stop and an ass licking begin?
9. Why do single men have ketchup, mustard and steak sauce…but no food to put any of it on?
10. What the heck is this world coming to? In my day any self respecting male population would have kicked Perez Hilton’s ass every single day.
How apropo, my online radio station is playing Oye Como Va…another baffling little conundrum in itself.
20 reasons to send me cash to get to LA September 9, 2009
Posted by anniewilson in Uncategorized.Tags: adultery, california, cheating husband, funny stuff, humor, i'll take that dollar sir, lists, men, perez hilton, playboy, rick kelso, rotten husbands, women, yankees
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1. It’s Labor Day and you’ve had just enough Budweiser to do it.
2. You’re a Southerner and you want to get rid of us Yankee’s, one at a time…starting with me.
3. You’re a Northerner and you forgive me for leaving in the first place.
4. You don’t like me but you care about my dog.
5. You don’t like me and you want to get back at California.
6. You’re a parent who thinks it’s about time one of us moved in with THE KID for once.
7. You think LA needs more middle aged women to counter the hot young chicks.
8. You want to see what I will do to Perez Hilton when I get there.
9. Curiosity…how will it end?
10. You don’t think I should hitch a ride from a truck driver in exchange for sex.
11. You’re a victim of a cheater and want to see me move closer to my own cheating ex…just for kicks.
12. You want someone from LA in your debt should you need a place to stay for a few days.
13. You were going to leave cash to your son but he married a shiksa.
14. Your husband just bought beer, chewing tobacco and a Playboy magazine and you want to annoy him.
15. Your wife just bought a butterfly lamp, yogurt and a Vogue magazine and you want to annoy her.
16. You live in LA and think you can beat me in a game of pool.
17. You want to see me in a place where asking for a guitar shop doesn’t get me sent to Firestone…a “gud tar shop”.
18. You’re just one heck of a nice person.
19. You want to see me annoy celebrities every Saturday morning for a year.
20. You want to irritate my ex husband and his wife who hate it when anything good happens to me. They’ve been rather giddy lately, it’s time to bug the suckers.
20 signs you’re married to a cheat September 9, 2009
Posted by anniewilson in Uncategorized.Tags: adultery, cheaters, cheating husband, cheating wife, funny stuff, humor, lists, mark colletti, men, rick kelso, rotten husbands, sex, women
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1. Forget lipstick on his collar…mistresses of today leave lipstick on his underpants.
2. You see so much of his back in bed that you begin to see constellations in his freckles, yu have a cheat.
3. He brings you a dozen roses and one is missing.
4. They actually CARE about how they look. Mine began a habit of daily oral hygiene which told me that I could no longer deny the reality staring me right in the face,
5. There’s mixed CD in your car full of random country music songs labeled in your spouses handwriting.
6. Trust yourself. If they create a branch of law enforcement patterned after YOUR efforts, you probably have a liar. I’m responsible for a lot of today’s forensic knowledge, I even created the science of fiber analysis all by myself.
7. A job that used to require your spouse to spend 12 minutes a day speaking on the phone suddenly requires HOURS of phone time and busy signals.
8. The person who spent 17 years loaning you a razor all of a sudden gets annoyed at the “rough blade” you left after you used it.
9. For some reason, bathroom activities that were once shared are now individual events.
10. The receipts in the car from “his” lunch switch from Whoppers to Fruit Smoothie’s.
11. I know it takes some serious chutzpah, but some cheaters actually begin to ask YOU for your opinion on their hair.
12. The same guy who used to make you account for every move you made suddenly becomes aware of “how silly that is”.
13. This is a subtle one so you have to look for it…but they also stop making fun plans that include you any more than a week or so ahead of time.
14. The man who once told you that you were his soul mate begins to complain about cobwebs you didn’t even think he was aware of.
15. Your “cute hairs” in the hairbrush become “DISGUSTING, FILTHY LITTLE SUCKERS!”
16. Here’s an easy one…if a wife has to ask TWICE for sex, the husband is absolutely screwing someone else.
17. A man switches from jockeys to boxers…or boxers to jockeys.
18. The liar will admit to doing something REALLY bad…because the truth is so hideous the lie looks good in comparison.
19. Cheaters seem to dislike their in-laws more than they did before they cheated.
20. A man will either:
A. Suddenly learn to wipe his ass
or
B. Stop apologizing for the skid marks.
Mine chose option B, he was nothing if not disgusting.
20 Lies My Italian Ex Told Me September 9, 2009
Posted by anniewilson in Uncategorized.Tags: adultery, al capone, bible, cheaters, cheating husband, funny stuff, humor, liars, lists, mark colletti, marriage, men, poker, rotten husbands, sex, whore, women
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1. “My entire family has been in the mob ever since my uncle was a Consigliere for Al Capone.”
2. “Read the Bible…men are allowed to cheat but women are NOT!”
3. “I can’t tell you where I’m going tonight, it’s business…you know what I mean.”
4. “Go help the women do the dishes, only the men play poker after Thanksgiving Dinner.”
5. “I don’t know why it bothers you…YOU’RE my wife…she’s just a whore.”
6. “No…it’s not a hickey. I was playing football and some guy put a mean spin on the ball and it hit me in the neck.”
7. “The football story was a lie, you’re right. But I didn’t think you would believe the truth.”
8. “The truth is that this guy at work grabbed my neck, twisted the skin and wouldn’t let go.”
9. “OK, you’re right, that makes no sense. It’s just a grease burn. I don’t know why I bothered lying to you before. It was stupid of me when the truth was so innocent and I’m sorry. I really let MYSELF down this time.”
10. “Oh…the fur on the passenger seat…I picked up a 13 year old hitch-hiker. I couldn’t let anything bad happen to her so I took it upon MYSELF to see that she got home safely. Wouldn’t you want someone to help OUR kids? But you’re not thinking about that! Instead, you’re just using a good deed to find a reason to start a fight. I have to get out of the house now. I’ll be back when I’m not so angry at you.”
11. “Face your belly the other way, I can’t sleep with that baby kicking me in the back.”
12. “You should be more like my mother, she has no aspirations whatsoever.”
13. “Did you see the way she was dressed? She deserved to get raped.”
14. “There…you made me throw a big bowl of chili on the wall! Are you happy now?”
15. “Why are you putting on make-up? We’re only going to the race track!”
16. “My theme song is The Wanderer…you KNEW that when we met!”
17. “What do you mean by my “crotch smells like fish”?
18. “Girls tell me I look like [a 70’s] John Travolta.”
19. “I know we just met tonight…but could I touch your breasts?”
20. “No…I’m NOT a bad dancer, you just can’t keep up.”
10 things I would do to get to LA September 9, 2009
Posted by anniewilson in Uncategorized.Tags: 4 hour erection, angelina jolie, baghdad, bill oreilly, bob dole, boston, burqa, eagles, erections, funny stuff, humor, La Leche League, larry king, lists, mark sanford, menage a trois, Michael moore, mike vick, nancy pelosi, NFL, perez hilton, rick kelso, skidmarks, ted kennedy, tickle men, viagra
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1. Have a Ménage à trois with Larry King and Bill O’Reilly.
2. Walk up to Perez Hilton and smack him in his nasty little puss.
3. Wear a burqa with a sign around my neck that says, “I’m Naked Under This Thing!” and walk through Baghdad.
4. Tickle random men walking down the street.
5. Drag Mark Sanford out of the South Carolina capital building all by myself.
6. Grab the pen from Bob Dole’s right hand and run away laughing.
7. Offer relief to all men suffering from one of those Viagra induced 4 hour erections.
8. Taunt Angelina Jolie for an indefinite period of time.
9. Stand in the middle of Boston and make Ted Kennedy jokes.
10. Salt my ass and moon a bunch of deer.
Of course, I have my standards so here are things that I wouldn’t do:
1. Get a nipple piercing.
2. Watch an NFL game as long as Mike Vick is in the league.
3. Sleep with Michael Moore.
4. Agree with Nancy Pelosi.
5. Marry another man who leaves skidmarks in his jockeys.
6. Drink decaffeinated coffee, non-alcoholic beer or Diet Pepsi.
7. Sit through any movie that has “Part Three” in the name.
8. Bring a date to a La Leche League meeting.
9. Hike near the border of any country that’s name ends with STAN.
10. Pay more than twenty bucks for a purse.
Things I’d Rather Do Than Have Sex September 8, 2009
Posted by anniewilson in Uncategorized.Tags: funny stuff, humor, lists, masurbate, sex
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1. Clean out my ears out with generic q-tips.
2. Pull weeds out of the cracks in my sidewalk.
3. Clean out my junk drawers.
4. Vacuum the cobwebs from behind my desk.
5. Pick up the pine cones in my back yard.
6. Pick at the dead skin peeling off of my right foot.
7. Stare into my refrigerator.
8. Check the Brillo Pad I’m currently using for rust.
9. Call my father and borrow money from him.
10. Clean the blades on every ceiling fan in the house.
11. Floss.
12. Apply Ora-Gel to the roof off my mouth where I burned myself eating really hot pizza.
13. Check my dog’s backside for fleas.
14. Dump my panties out of my panty drawer, fold them all and then put them back according to type; bikini’s, granny’s or the uncomfortable ones that I only wear before sex.
15. Spray bleach around the shower to stop mildew from sprouting.
16. Search for and throw away all out of date phone books.
17. Pull down the ugly wall-paper in my bathroom.
18. Take the bag of lone socks from the laundry room and see if any match.
19. Pumice any and all callouses on my body.
20. And last…but certainly not least…masturbate.
Hello world! September 8, 2009
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