Duh…it's a Bunch of Lists

10 things I would do to get to LA September 9, 2009

1. Have a Ménage à trois with Larry King and Bill O’Reilly.
2. Walk up to Perez Hilton and smack him in his nasty little puss.
3. Wear a burqa with a sign around my neck that says, “I’m Naked Under This Thing!” and walk through Baghdad.
4. Tickle random men walking down the street.
5. Drag Mark Sanford out of the South Carolina capital building all by myself.
6. Grab the pen from Bob Dole’s right hand and run away laughing.
7. Offer relief to all men suffering from one of those Viagra induced 4 hour erections.
8. Taunt Angelina Jolie for an indefinite period of time.
9. Stand in the middle of Boston and make Ted Kennedy jokes.
10. Salt my ass and moon a bunch of deer.

Of course, I have my standards so here are things that I wouldn’t do:

1. Get a nipple piercing.
2. Watch an NFL game as long as Mike Vick is in the league.
3. Sleep with Michael Moore.
4. Agree with Nancy Pelosi.
5. Marry another man who leaves skidmarks in his jockeys.
6. Drink decaffeinated coffee, non-alcoholic beer or Diet Pepsi.
7. Sit through any movie that has “Part Three” in the name.
8. Bring a date to a La Leche League meeting.
9. Hike near the border of any country that’s name ends with STAN.
10. Pay more than twenty bucks for a purse.